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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23759317">phosphenes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidere19/pseuds/Sidere19'>Sidere19</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU-ish?, Angst, F/F, Scylla’s POV, continuation of ep5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:21:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,943</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23759317</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidere19/pseuds/Sidere19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“This is what you get for disobeying orders. We already warned you, fail us and your future is bleak.”<br/>Scylla has to laugh at the sound of that.<br/>What future? There’s no future for her without Raelle anyway.<br/>She smiles now, a mockingly obsequious smile. “Well then, what are you waiting for?” She says, her voice icy and placid. “Just kill me already.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>208</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>phosphenes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Scylla has always loved the ocean.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She loves sitting on the beach and just watching the waves. She loves watching them rising, falling, and crashing against each other with such rhythmic ease. She loves the comforting sound it creates, the smell of fresh saltiness in the air, the everchanging colours of the water, and the wonderous vastness of it all. She loves the transient yet perpetual feeling it gives her, and the inexplicable power it has to make everything else seem so trivial and extraneous all of a sudden.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She watches boats and ships come in and out of the port, then sail away on the tides too. And she would imagine herself on one of them, just drifting away. It would be nice, she would think, not having to run away all the time, even though she may have no idea where she’d end up.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The sun is just peeking over the horizon, shining off the rippling water and splashing hues of gold onto the deep blue canvas. Scylla inhales deeply and throws her head back slightly, letting her eyes slide shut. She sighs happily, feeling a soft warmth across her face as rays of sunshine embrace her, the gentle ocean breeze whispering around her and tousling her hair playfully.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You are right. It really is nice.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She smiles at the gentle voice and opens her eyes, turning her head to find a familiar pair of baby blues gazing lovingly back into her own.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Right?” She grins. “You like it?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Very much. I wish we could just stay here forever.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The smile on Scylla’s face widens. She leans in to place a chaste kiss on Raelle’s lips. “Well, we can. It’s safe here, we can just leave Fort Salem behind us and stay here, start afresh. We can go swimming in the ocean, just like we talked about, or we can even get on one of those ships…” She trails off, noticing something indecipherable flit through Raelle’s eyes. It’s fleeting and almost imperceptible. But she catches it. And it suddenly makes her nervous.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She bites down on her lip, wondering if she said or did something wrong. The silence between them feels delicate. Brittle, that she feels if she opens her mouth again, she will irrevocably break something impalpable between them.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Scylla.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She hears someone calling her name from behind, their voice unsettlingly familiar. She whips her head around and immediately widens her eyes. “Mom? Dad?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Her parents are smiling at her. They are standing next to a raven black Thunderbird convertible, just like the old beat-up one they used to have when she was little; the portable home that contained all traces of the Ramshorns’ existence, and one of the very few consistent things in her childhood memories. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She doesn’t understand what’s happening.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“What… what are you doing here?” She asks in bewilderment, gawking at her parents.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Her father offers her a strained smile, before moving away and getting in the car without a word. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Scylla’s puzzled eyes land back on her mom, who holds out her hand to her. “Come on, sweetheart. It’s time to go.” Her mom says, in the same resigned and ominously calm tone she always used when they had to get back on the road and start running again.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“What? But I…” She says weakly, staring at her mom for a few more confusing seconds, before suddenly remembering something. She spins on her heel in full panic and lets out a small breath of relief when she sees Raelle is still standing near her, watching her in silence. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>A wave of determination and confidence suddenly comes over her</em> <em>. She reaches out to pick up Raelle’s hand, interlocks their fingers together, and looks back at her mom. Firmly. “I can’t, mom. I’m sorry. I have to stay.”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Her mother looks back and forth between her and Raelle for a brief moment, before letting out a sigh. “You can’t stay here, honey.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She’s just about to argue some more when she feels Raelle tug at her hand lightly.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s okay, Scyl.” Raelle says in a quiet voice, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“No, it’s not.” She looks deep into Raelle’s eyes and shakes her head, her own eyes welling up with tears all of a sudden. “I don’t… I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave you.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Raelle’s lips become a thin line, before quirking up into a small smile; a sad smile that Scylla recognises too well. Slowly, and wordlessly, she pulls Scylla closer to her and wraps her arms around her.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Scylla sinks into Raelle’s warm embrace, squeezing her back even tighter. she clutches at Raelle’s shirt almost desperately, as if to anchor herself; as if she’ll just evaporate into the air completely like the ocean mist if she ever lets go.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you.” She chokes out the words and buries her face into Raelle’s neck, breathless.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you too.” She hears Raelle whisper in her ear, her soft breath tickling her neck. “But I’m gonna need you to wake up now, baby.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Scylla flutters her eyes open and instantly grimaces in pain. She feels as if she was hit by a train and she can’t even pinpoint which part of her body hurts the most. Her head is pounding, and there is an insistent buzzing in her ears that seems to be blocking any coherent thoughts she can form.</p><p> </p><p>She tries to lift her hands but soon realises that she can’t. She is bound to a chair with her hands tied behind her back, the thick and coarse rope digging into her wrists and hurting her as she gives it an experimental tug. She wriggles in her seat, trying to break free but the binding is too strong and her vain attempts only amplify her splitting headache. She tries a few more times and eventually has to give up, starting to feel a little light-headed. The ringing in her ears seems to be getting louder by the second.</p><p> </p><p>She draws in a ragged breath and moves her head from side to side sluggishly, trying to figure out where she is. The room is dark. There’s no light, and she can’t quite make out anything useful. Her memory is still a bit fuzzy. She shakes her head slightly, trying to concentrate and remember what happened.</p><p> </p><p>It only takes a few seconds before it all comes back.</p><p> </p><p>The balloons, the terror, and the destruction.</p><p> </p><p>Her heart sinks. She did that. She brought them there. And because of her, people got hurt. <em>Killed</em> even. She closes her eyes briefly and swallows hard, pushing down the sudden nausea that churns in her stomach.</p><p> </p><p>She refocuses her brain, trying to dig deeper into her memory. She remembers weaving her way through the frantic crowd, trying to get to Raelle. She was only a few steps away from the blonde when a sharp pain suddenly seared through her skull, making her knees buckle instantly. She stumbled, her vision starting to blur as her head became foggier and foggier. And a few seconds later, everything went black.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla lets out a small sigh in frustration. She shifts slightly in the chair and tries to loosen the rope again. Still no luck.</p><p> </p><p>Most likely, the Spree has got her. She figures, not knowing what that means to her. The queasy feeling returns somehow, followed by an icy chill that runs down her spine. She hates they still have this kind of effect on her.</p><p> </p><p>Lately, when the Spree visited her, she would find herself suddenly having an overwhelming urge to smash the mirror and tell them she was done, that she would come clean and they could no longer control her. But she refrained herself every time. She still stood there, read every single word of their messages and smiled the effortful smile. She didn’t want to do any of the things she was told to do, but she went ahead and did them anyway, as if she felt compelled somehow. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. Maybe she wanted to delude herself that she could keep both worlds without having to choose one over the other; that she could live two completely separate versions of her life, never confronting the ultimate question of what kind of person she really is. Or perhaps she was just being cowardly. Or both.</p><p> </p><p>Her thoughts drift back to the wedding. She remembers the almost scandalous tension in her head when she lingered at the venue entrance, waiting for Raelle to arrive; the debilitating shame that twisted her stomach when she had to plaster a smile on her face and brush off all the questions directed at her; the helpless despair that gripped her heart when she felt time invariably tick away, same as always.</p><p> </p><p>She couldn’t hold her eye contact with Raelle anymore. Her eyes started to skitter away. She felt a weight pressing down on her chest. It was suffocating. Every touch between them started to feel like a brutal stab into her heart. Every promise they made sounded painfully hollower than the last. And every glance of her watch triggered another crashing wave of self-loathing within her.</p><p> </p><p><em>Come with me. </em>She remembers saying that to Raelle when they only had five minutes left. Her mouth was dry, her tongue felt like sandpaper and she couldn’t breathe right. She felt sick. She could hear a voice inside her screaming at her to stop, but she just couldn’t. It felt like she was somehow developmentally impaired, missing certain crucial parts in her body that made her unable to control herself or think things through. Her brain was completely blank. She had no plan. No alternatives. No bargaining power whatsoever. And that terrified her to the core, making she tremble uncontrollably.</p><p> </p><p>But then, Raelle asked her if they could just dance. And just like that, one look into those shimmering ocean blue orbs, all of her anxieties and fears suddenly dissipated. She could breathe normally again.</p><p> </p><p>She felt stupid. Of course they should just dance. If she had to choose how to spend their last five minutes together, she would choose this over anything, without any doubt.</p><p> </p><p>And it was perfect. Just like every other moment she shared with Raelle. The soft music playing in the background, the way their bodies pressed up against each other, the tingling in her fingertips as Raelle stroked her knuckles gently with her thumb, the palpitations in her heart when Raelle’s lips brushed over her neck, and the shiver that ran along her jaw when she mumbled those three words against Raelle’s skin.<br/><br/></p><p>Was it true? A voice in her head points out curtly. She lies all the time, even when she doesn’t need to. It has already become an addictive vice of hers; something she just automatically does without planning or even knowing why.</p><p> </p><p>But then, she thinks, that wasn’t the first time she had the urge to tell Raelle she loved her.</p><p> </p><p>She wanted to say it in the garden after Beltane; in her room when they snuggled in each other’s arms, exchanging kisses and giggles; in the woods when they sneaked out after curfew and took quiet strolls with their hands intertwined; under that giant oak tree when she picked the blonde up and twirled her around playfully, before both of them broke into giddy laughter.</p><p> </p><p>She wanted to say it during the handfasting ceremony too, as she stood close to Raelle’s side and gazed quietly at her beautiful features, her eyes lingering on Raelle’s long eyelashes, her slightly flushed cheeks, and the ethereal ghost of a smile on her lips in the soft glimmer of the afternoon sun.</p><p> </p><p>She thinks about the way their eyes met, the way their hands brushed against each other ever so gently before intertwining. Even in memory, the intense intimacy of this moment still makes Scylla’s breath hitch in her throat for a brief second.</p><p> </p><p>It almost felt like the beginning of a new life for her.</p><p> </p><p>Almost.</p><p> </p><p>She wished they had more time. She wished they could have five years as well. But then again, five years hardly sounded enough. Even forever didn’t sound nearly enough. She wished they could leave everything behind, go to a place where no one can find them and just grow old together. But sadly, her time was already running out and there was nothing she could do about it.</p><p> </p><p>A wave of deep sorrow suddenly sweeps over Scylla, engulfing her heart almost entirely. She wonders where Raelle is, what she’s doing, and if she could be thinking about her too. She feels a pang of guilt, that their story just ended like that in the middle of the chaos, with no explanation, no goodbyes, and no conclusion. Like throwing a half-written book into the fire. It would never be pieced back together again, never in the same way.</p><p> </p><p>But at least Raelle wouldn’t learn about all the lies and all the blood on her hands. Scylla thinks, half-hating herself for having this selfish thought. At least this way, she can still be the same Scylla Ramshorn in Raelle’s memory, the same girl who loved her. She can’t bear the idea of Raelle ever thinking what they had wasn’t real.</p><p> </p><p>She starts to wonder about her life before Raelle, which, bizarrely, feels so foreign to her now. Almost like a distant dream she can barely remember.</p><p> </p><p>She has never considered herself as a lovable person. With other people, she tends to appear remote, supercilious and unscrupulous. She is inordinately independent, and although she can act so worldly and sycophantic at times, there’s always this coldness about her, which gives her the ability to remain comfortably aloof from the rest of the world.</p><p> </p><p>However, when she was with Raelle, she felt different. She felt like a different person. There was a constant warmth that flowed through her body. She started to listen to her heart, instead of solely relying on the calculations in her head. She felt loved. Protected. And for the first time in her life, she started to like herself a little bit.</p><p> </p><p>Her thoughts are shattered when the light above her suddenly snap on with a blinding flash, so bright that Scylla has to squeeze her eyes shut momentarily.</p><p> </p><p>She blinks them open again when she starts hearing a harsh screeching noise, which exacerbates her headache and makes her wince.  </p><p> </p><p>The door in front of her swings open, and a redheaded woman walks in. She is followed by a very tall man, who closes the door promptly behind him before leaning against the wall next to it with his arms folded.</p><p> </p><p>“Feeling comfy?”</p><p> </p><p>Scylla squints up at the redhead. Her hair is pulled back in a sleek ponytail and she is smoking a cigarette, her lips curving up into a devilish grin. The incandescent white light is glaring down from the bulb on the ceiling and illuminating her face with a ghostly pallor.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla doesn’t recognise either of them, but from the skilful way the woman plays with the zippo lighter in her hand, she thinks she knows who they are.</p><p> </p><p>“Well,” The redhead pauses and takes a long drag on her cigarette, peering at Scylla through the swirling cloud of smoke. “This is what you get for disobeying orders. We already warned you, fail us and your future is bleak.”</p><p> </p><p>Scylla has to laugh at the sound of that.</p><p> </p><p>What future? There’s no future for her without Raelle anyway.</p><p> </p><p>She smiles now, a mockingly obsequious smile. “Well then, what are you waiting for?” She says, her voice icy and placid. “Just kill me already.”</p><p> </p><p>The redhead narrows her eyes at her. “Oh don’t worry, we’ll get to that. But lucky for you, you are not so completely useless yet.” She stubs out her cigarette, before turning her head to look at the guy who stands behind her with a little nod.</p><p> </p><p>He nods back, pushing himself away from the wall and walks over to Scylla. He steps behind her and begins to untie the rope on her hand.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla rubs her throbbing wrists once she’s free, flexing her fingers slowly. She knits her brows together and eyes the man incredulously, not sure what they are planning to do.</p><p> </p><p>“Write her a message. Tell her to come and find you.”</p><p> </p><p>Scylla’s eyes snap back to the redhead, her fingers curling into fists instinctively. She feels her jaw tighten. “I have no idea what you are talking about.” She says eventually, expressionless.</p><p> </p><p>The woman tuts in exasperation.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think we are stupid? We are the Spree. We see everything, Scylla. You think we don’t know that little trick of yours and what it can do?” She sneers, smug and derisive.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla glares at the sadistic satisfaction on the redhead’s face, refusing to indulge it with a reply.</p><p> </p><p>She clenches her fists tighter, her fingernails digging into her palms. She can feel her back teeth grinding together quietly as rage boils inside her, burning and hissing through her body and making her want to scream. That was supposed to be their moment; a private memory that only belonged to Raelle and her. But now it just feels tainted, and somewhat inauthentic. She suddenly feels shameful, and then furious with herself, for being so stupid and foolishly naïve. All along, she’s been willingly giving them the power to trample all over her while complacently assuming that she’s the one that outsmarts them. Her stomach heaves, and she feels like she’s going to throw up.</p><p> </p><p>“Your pointless stubbornness is really starting to irritate me, Scylla. What do you expect? Do you think she’ll love you, or even look at you when she knows who you are?” The redhead scoffs. She moves closer and crouches down in front of Scylla. “Admit it, Scylla. We are the same kind. You belong with us. At the end of the day, we are the ones that will accept you and take care of you, you know.” She says, in a voice false enough to sound almost sincere and it makes Scylla retch.</p><p> </p><p>Something snaps inside Scylla. Impulsively, she gathers all her strength and launches herself at the redhead, bringing her to the ground.</p><p> </p><p>“NO!” She roars, grabbing the woman by the collar and slamming her against the concrete floor. “I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU!” She is quickly pulled away by the other Spree. Brutally, he twists her arm behind her and kicks the back of her knee, forcing her down into a kneeling position.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla sees the redhead’s lips move, as the screeching in the room turns into an unearthly rumbling. And the next second, she suddenly feels like she is drowning.</p><p> </p><p>She crumples down onto the ground and starts coughing up water. Every cell in her body is screaming for oxygen, but each time she tries to inhale, her lung seems to be filled with more liquid. Her hand flies up to her breastbone, pressing against it roughly in futile attempts to let some air in. Her heart is hammering frantically against her ribcage and she starts feeling dizzy, her head pounding loudly as if it’s going to explode.</p><p> </p><p>The rumbling sound stops.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla slumps into a heap on the floor. She takes several gulps of air before coughing up some more water. She notices a tremor in her hands, mild but perceptible. She closes them into fists.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know why you are making this so difficult. Write her a message. And then all of this, the pain, the undue suffering will all go away.” The redhead says flatly, looking down at her.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla is still panting, gasping desperately for air. She exhales deeply, before lifting her chin to look at the redhead, her gaze unwavering.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you.” She rasps out. “I would rather die than help you anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>The woman keeps her gaze on Scylla for a second longer, before her face twists into a contemptuous sneer. “Well, that would be too easy for you, would it?” She smooths out her shirt and turns her head to the other Spree. “I’ll come back later. In the meantime, knock some sense into her, will you?”</p><p> </p><p>Vacuously, Scylla watches him walk closer to her, his teeth glittering wetly in the light. She doesn’t even flinch when he pulls out a lighter from his pocket. She has a vague idea of what he’s going to do, but she hardly cares at this point.</p><p> </p><p>She feels a constricting pain in her chest, which then moves to her throat. She clenches her teeth to prevent herself from screaming, unwilling to give away any emotion that might give him even the slightest satisfaction.</p><p> </p><p>This, she thinks, this is nothing. She can take it. For Raelle.</p><p> </p><p>She braces herself for another wave of pain as her mind wanders to the blonde, who was always protecting her, defending her, and shielding her from any incoming storm, instinctively and unconditionally. And this time, it’s finally her turn to protect Raelle. Scylla thinks as she blinks woozily. It’s the one thing she can still do for her now, even if it will cost her own life.</p><p> </p><p>She starts to slip in and out of consciousness.</p><p> </p><p>Her mind drifts to her parents. Maybe soon enough, she’ll be able to see them again. She hopes she’ll find them, wherever they are, and they can finally be together and stop running.</p><p> </p><p>She starts to feel a certain weakening in her body, a sense of dread towards the unknown, and a vague and disorienting fear that seeps through her skin, making her shiver involuntarily.</p><p> </p><p>Her ears are suddenly filled with the sound of splattering rain and she feels temporarily dissociated from her body, slowly drifting back in time to a grim and stormy night.</p><p> </p><p>She remembers that night. She was only four or five years old then and they were hiding from the military in an abandoned house somewhere up north. She remembers that it was so cold and dark there, and it terrified her so much that she couldn’t stop crying.</p><p> </p><p><em>Wanna learn a trick? </em>Her mother said to her as she wrapped a blanket around her tiny quivering body, pulling her into her arms. <em>Here, let’s try squeezing our eyes shut really really tight. Then tell me what you see.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>She did as she was told. And she remembers herself letting out a small yelp in wonder.</p><p> </p><p>She heard her mom chuckle. <em>It’s not that dark anymore, is it?</em> She squeezed her arms around Scylla a fraction tighter. And in a much gentler voice, she said: <em>The darkness will always pass, Scylla. If you ever get scared, just close your eyes. The light will come find you. </em></p><p> </p><p>She had never truly understood what her mom meant by that. But she thinks she gets it now.</p><p> </p><p>Because she can see it. When she closes her eyes, she is instantly greeted with flashes of exploding fireworks in a riot of colours. She sees fragments of her favourite memories, illuminated and surrounded by swirls of vividness. And then she sees Raelle, standing in the midst of all those vibrant lights and beaming at her, her face aglow.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla’s eyes are suddenly brimming heavy with tears.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Come here.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Raelle’s soft voice echoes in Scylla’s ears and she watches Raelle open her arms to her with a warm and dazzling smile, her cerulean eyes overflowing with the same tenderness and love, just as Scylla remembers.</p><p> </p><p>Scylla lets out a trembling breath. And with that, the rattling fear slithers away from her completely. She feels a lightness. And she smiles to herself.</p><p> </p><p>She thinks she’s going to be okay.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay sooo… I actually debated whether I should post this one…<br/>I started writing it with a different idea in mind and wanting to make it short, but somehow it got out of control and spiralled into this weird angsty ramble lol.<br/>As I am still feeling quite nervous about it, any feedback would be greatly appreciated!<br/>But anyway, thank you for reading. Hope you didn’t hate it too much.<br/>x</p></blockquote></div></div>
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